Third Wheel

I was asked by a family member on my husband's side to go out.  We never go out together so I was very shocked by this request.  I felt special, like I had be selected for something great.  It made me feel like the person valued me and wanted to get to know me better.  However, I found out that I was not that person's first choice that in fact she and another person had planned to meet up for quite sometime and I was like the third wheel.  I cried.  It sounds stupid now as I write this but, I just have so much baggage of not being people's first choice. I am the girl who has had many rejections by suppose to be friends where they have chosen people over me.   So that insecurity poked its ugly head up and I cried.  I felt like why couldnt she have asked me first.  Even though I had fun, I struggled with the feeling of being the third wheel..It was obviously that the two of them have more closeness and I just felt like I was trying so hard to fit in, to be heard , to be liked.  But in the end I still enjoyed hanging with them and we are suppose to do it again. Maybe one day someone will see that I am not a third wheel but a good first choice.

A Better Place

Well, I think I can officially say that I am a work in progress when it comes to blogging.   However, that is ok, we are all a work in progress.  Let me tell you something I find to be so weird.  The  time when it is raining and you can still see and feel the sun.  That is what life is like sometimes.  I have a better classroom, I like the attitudes of my students, my school grounds are improving and the list goes on of how blessed I feel right now.  At the same time, I have alot of hurtful things that are going on caused by people I really loved.   The pain is constant but so is God's ability to be with me and heal me with his unfailing love.  So I will take life as it comes, trusting that at the end of it all God will work everything out for my good in time.
Love
Vanessa

OMG

For the past three days, I have not slept very well.   My mind was bombarded with thoughts.  So this morning I decided to play some Hillsong music and pray.  The thought came to me that I am just wasting my time and then I thought no, spending time with God is not a waste of time.  Then, I had a financial need later in the day.  I could not see how it would work out.  Anyway it is about 9 p.m. right now and God did a money miracle.  I mean my spirit is so lifted right now.  It feels like all the sadness has washed away.  All of the worry is gone about the financial need.  It is so funny how just one act can change your life.  God is good.  I feel good.  Never trust your feelings they always change, but God stays the same.  Look at how this morning I was feeling worried and sad about this need and now I am feeling like I could do the splits.  Trust in the faithfulness of God. OMG!  Much love everyone.

Dear Journal

Today was tough.  I helped my hubby with duff today. I was good until the afternoon, I started to feel so tired because we got up 5 am.   Later that evening I really struggled with negative thoughts. My belly felt like butterflies because I was thinking these negative thoughts.  I notice when I am really tired or sick, I don't have as much strength emotionally to fight off the negative emotions. Its weird.  This sinus is also getting on my nerve too.  I listened to music and it was great this morning.  Going to bed now .  I also cried today, I got bad news about someone I loved.   They served God so long and  I was mad at God.  I thought why.l  but we all must die one day.  Life sucks sometimes.


Some good happened too, we sold 40 duff.  Facebook ads.  God is good.  OH and another job came in for art.  Spoke to P today, long lost friend.  It was so nice.

my work

Yesterday was the last day for me to go to work.  I honestly felt overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do.  I have been feeling very tired, so I am going to change my eating habits, thinking habits and exercise habit.  I was so desperate yesterday to find someone to help me with my work.  I finally had a old friend who responded and helped me.  It turned out to be such a wonderful time talking to her.  She encouraged me to change my diet after I heard her story.  She made me laugh.  The time just passed. It is so amazing how time flies when you are having fun.   Here is an idea- if you have to do something you  dont like try to find fun in it.   I think being healthy is better because you have more energy to do stuff.   I saw God move yesterday, he sent my hubby to help me and everything just fell into place.  Now as I sit here, I feel relieved and I am just going to try and grow this summer.

Music has power

It is so amazing how you can feel down and a simple listening of music can uplift you. 
Currently I am listening to James Fortune "God is Able".  Music has power.  Power to turn your doubts into belief.  Power to turn your pain into praise.  Power to give you hope, a new perspective.  A God perspective.  Try music.

If I only had a month to live I would...

Today I invested in me by listening to positive videos.  I must make an effort to listen to positive messages everyday.  I tend to focus on the negative sometimes and I want to become a positive thinker.  Therefore, I am making an effort to think positive by listening to positive talks online.  I also started visualizing myself succeeding.  It is really a great thing to do. I watched the bucket list today and started thinking about life.   If I had one month to live I would do these things.
I would not waste a minute being sad, depressed, angry, or any negative emotion.
I would try to do something nice for someone else everyday.
I would talk to people I have not talked to in years just to say hi.
I would form a mentorship group for girls, or do something for young kids that would affect them in a positive way.
I would hug my hubby more and not think about his faults just his strengths.
I would wake up early to see the sun rise and make time to see the sun set.
I would join a walkathon.
I would eat somewhere where I always wanted to eat.
I would visit a place I always wanted to visit.
I would gather some women and have us talk about a book we all read or just about our struggles and how we can get over them.
 I would make a mix tape of all my favourite songs and listen to it each day.
I would read the whole bible finally.
I would get a recipe book and make all the recipes in it.
I would sing karaoke.
I would dance.
I would pray more and worship more.  I would have a gratitude journal.  I would look for beauty in each day.  I would volunteer.  I would do something new each day or learn something new.
I would learn salsa and hip hop dance.
I would take a pastry or cooking class.
I would make amends with people that I need to make amends with.
I would write in my journal everyday.
I would start a vegetable garden and and flower garden.  I would spring clean my house.  I would have lunch with  a mentor.  I would go to the beach with lots of magazines, snacks, drinks, music and movie.   I would stop looking for a best friend but instead I would be a best friend to me.
I would eat healthy, sleep early and not worry about a thing.  Now that I have done this list, I need to do this today because we are only promised right now.  I encourage you and me to get started.